Topless Winter Wonderland (AKA the worst first dates ever)

Oh dear, what whirlwind of a week! I've just re-started classes and work is quite busy, so sorry for the down-to-the-wire post. I'm personally more impressed that I'm actually getting a post out at all this week. We all know how I fell off the wagon this summer...

So let's get to it. Three dates this week: two one-on-ones and a group date, inevitably leaving some ladies without a date (womp, womp). The first date: a fake winter wonderland. Really?! You're in LA. Enjoy it! You want snow? Fly somewhere! Shocking how much ABC probably spent on piping in this snow instead of jetting off to the mountains in the Northwest. Clare (AKA fake preggers) got this date and of course got a rose. It's too early for JP to send someone home on a one-on-one. Save that for Week 4.

Date Two took place in Salt Lake City, Utah. No offense to my Utah native friends, but really? Utah? Also, whoever thinks running a 5k (albeit a fun one) on a first date is a good idea, when you have no idea if your date even likes to run, is a fool. At least she got a cute light-up running outfit. and a rose.

The group date was a hot mess. Simply the worst. It was like mixing America's Next Top Model with the Bachelor without Tyra or Ms. J. It just didn't work. Cute concept: let's save the puppies and dress up to take photos, but in reality it was just bad. And who asks these ladies to get "naked" (rumor has it they weren't really naked) on the first date in front of the competition? And of course a hot mess of a date has to culminate in a crazy drunk lady leaving the show. Welcome to Brazil!.....more like Welcome to CrazyTown!

Other notables from this episode:
-Apparently you need to watch the Sunday night special or you miss things like date cards
-I've noticed an increase use of the word "adventure" and less use of the word "journey." Someone needs to adjust the rules to the Bachelor Drinking Game
-Lucy has a penchant for going topless. Figures.
-Quote of the Night: "if Juan Pablo is mine, I'm going to straddle him everyday. Because that is what life's about. Straddling people...and things" -Victoria

Until next time, y'all! Happy watching!

Sing me a song, you're the piano(wo)man

And so it begins! After Sunday night's tease "first part of the two-part premiere" (I'm looking at you, Chris Harrison. Why do I fall for your tricks every time?), I was amped up for Monday. I mean, it was the coldest day on record in Chicago in over forty years and I just had my first full day back at work--I needed a little entertainment while snuggled beneath my ducky blanket on the couch. And man, did Chris Harrison deliver this time!

We first found Sean Lowe giving JP "tips." Sean, take a tip from JP and be more interesting. You are boring. But no one is complaining about seeing you and JP shirtless so all is forgiven.

Then of course we saw some video bios of a few of the ladies (how are these chosen anyway?). Most were cute and silly, with the outrageous exception of Amy the Masseuse/pornstar. Yikes! I felt like I was watching an adult film yet everyone was clothed. Red flag. We have our first crazy lady.

Move on to the ladies in the limos. Oy, the giggles and squeals make the hair stand up on your neck but might I say my dear friend/co-watcher and I were equally giggly and squeally. JP can work a suit. And so can Chris Harrison. It was just too much.

Our first interesting character was Lauren the pianist/composer. She came in on a bicycle piano. A BICYCLE PIANO. Ladies, she came in playing hardball. Forgot to introduce herself, but hey. You're "piano girl" now. It's basically like being Wonder Woman.

We had some other crazies: barefoot woman (AKA hippie, AKA raincloud), "Certified Dog Lover" (and dog), fishing hook, soccer star, and fake preggers. Not surprisingly, a few of the token crazies stayed. You have to build in a little entertainment, right?

I can't wait to see how this season will turn out now! Sadly, I have class duirng the live show, so I'll be catching up on Tuesdays (whomp, whomp) but I'll be sure to share my thoughts here!

Happy Bachelor-ing!

New Year's Resolutions: Bachelor Style

It's that time of year. We're seeing commercials for diet plans (even J. Simps. is on board with Weight Watchers), specials on Groupon for gym memberships, Marshall's is all stocked up on the cutest workout gear, and I personally just put away $60 worth of groceries in an effort to eat healthier and make more green smoothies that I've seen on Pinterest (like this holiday detox smoothie or these tasty cleanses).

So as we move toward Juanuary 5th, the much-anticipated season premiere of The Bachelor, I think it's time to think about the resolutions that the ladeez of the Bachelor should make, resolutions that Juan Pablo should make, and resolutions we as faithful fans should make. Let's break it down for the top 10 Bachelor Resolutions of 2014:

10. FANS: Follow more delightfully hilarious tweeters while watching The Bachelor (for starters: @TheFinalRose, @ChrisMFHarrison, @julietlitman, and @jenniferweiner....oh yeah and @katmurphy429). AND, engage in the conversation. Make it your life goal to have your tweet featured on the bottom of the screen. Dream BIG!

9. LADEEZ: On the Twitter front, let's not do nasty things or be so mean that folks create tierrable hashtags or handles in your name. I'm looking at you @tiearraseyebrow.

8. JP: Keep your shirt on. Sometimes. We had a little too much of Sean last season, and while that's all he really had going for him (besides his homemade furniture which you can find here), it was a little much.

7. FANS: Throw some killer watch parties. I would love to see JP visit a nursing home instead of the typical sorority house this year. Gather your friends, make some spinach dip, drink some wine, and jeer at JP's shirtless self.

6. LADEEZ: Don't go skinnydipping (with or without JP). It's not classy. The other women will hate you. And in the end you will end up like Courtney the (steinmart) Model. You may win the game but you will not win his love. Just his man bits.

5. JP: We all know you have a type. It's oh-so-obvious from the lineup. But please, give the blondes a chance.

4. FANS: Stay true to the surprise ending. Stop reading Reality Steve (love you, Steve). Don't read the tabloids when you're in line at the grocery store. JUST DON"T. Make a bet with your gal pals, watch each episode with anticipation and suspense, and be overwhelmed by the outcome, talking incessantly about it for days. 

3. LADEEZ: Don't sell out. Just don't do it. Remember the woman last year who said she wouldn't kiss Sean because of her family's conservative values. Many fans thought she was nuts. But I say, you do you! She sold out and Sean didn't even take her home that night. Stay strong, ladies.

2. JP: Do not exploit your child like our favorite Bachelorette mom, Emily. If your first date has anything to do with baking cookies together or babysitting, I might stop watching. Okay, I won't. But I will be jaded (moreso than before).

1. LADEEZ: Make sure you are awesome and exciting. We need a solid choice for The Bachelorette. Really, it's been a while. So try to make it to the Top 5 and don't turn down the offer (unless you're really boring, then PLEASE run away). We all need some good entertainment in the summer.

I hope you all enjoyed these resolutions and will do your best to hold true to them. Make sure to follow me on Twitter and stay tuned for some live tweeting on Juanuary 5th!